"I'll be there/by your side" I have this snippet of lyric/tune stuck in my head, but I don't know what it's from. It is choral with orchestration; unfortunately, that's a fair sized chunk of what I've heard lately. The lines are nothing in themselves, but they are sung in such a y a w n i n g manner that I cannot seem to shake them from my head.
I write that because I do not know what else to write here; I am terrified of what I might write here. This place has become so strange. It has made me strange.
It takes me ten minutes, tops, usually, to fall asleep in my dorm on a regular school night. I'm there, I'm thinking about stuff, then I'm out. But here, the air is so cold--it keeps me awake. The silence, somehow, keeps me awake. It's too dark--the sun rises but the curtains don't know. I stay awake hours extra because I have to be drop dead tired by the time I roll into bed or the places my thoughts will wander to in the meantime will scare me awake.
The dreams I have been dreaming alone in my dorm room--I'll get a house, I'll get a cat, I'll get a job, I'll travel--have existed in a vacuum. My whole thought process up there exists in a very selfish vacuum. And I am doubly embarrassed--first for these dreams, and again when, even after they've been put in context, I still find myself pining for them.
I don't know what to do; to confront is to admit and (to a degree) to settle--to be productive. But to ignore is selfish and cruel. Unforgivably so.
And this is all sounding very much like games, but I do not at all mean it to. There are some places I do not want games to go. This is one of them.
So let me give them another place to play:
I hate that you are different every time I close my eyes--not because I do not like the change, but because it is such a cruel thing to do when you know I must wake up to something quite fearfully static.
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